Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #9

Maybe my mom was right. As I get older the more I start having this thought and I had it today over something I really wasn’t willing to agree with. My mom always says we (me and my sisters – in my mom’s mind we are like one being) don’t tell our kids ‘NO’ enough. Now in general, I don’t agree with her. My kids ask for 101 things every day, so I have to say no to them often. However, I had an experience with my 10 year old today that made me come to this thought.

9. I work too hard to ensure my kids aren’t disappointed.

I know that sounds CRAZY. I have spent the past 10 years trying to ensure my 2 daughters didn’t experience disappointment. Definitely not from me or frankly anyone else who they believe loves them. I’ve been afraid that being disappointed would make them feel a deep sadness, making them feel unsure or insecure. It also just felt like failure on my part. Disappointing the girls by not being able to be some where or doing something for them, within reason, seemed like one of those things that separated the good parents from the bad.

Then, the cancer thing happened. Being diagnosed in December meant the beginning part of 2015 was going to be challenging. It also meant that we had 1/2 a school year left to tackle.  And all of a sudden, there were disappointments, several of them. Trying to be mom, keep up at work, and endure the chemo and radiation treatments resulted in disappointments. I couldn’t do it all. There were doctors appointments and treatments I couldn’t miss. Because of my immune system, there were places I couldn’t go. And there were days, I just didn’t feel up to doing anything.  I missed a parent-teacher conference, science fair, field day, the end of school performance, class parties, open house, church programs and solos.

I wasn’t there and I knew that was disappointing for the girls. Especially because, I’m ALWAYS there. I jump through all kinds of hoops to be there for my kids. I know most parents do, but honestly as a single working mom this is when I feel the stress of that title. I have competing priorities between work and home. I can’t be in 2 places at once and sometimes I don’t have a choice but if there’s a way, I will make it happen. And up until now, I pretty much always have.

When it happened the first time, there was crying, and begging me to go. I was really sad because I knew they were disappointed. It got better as the months continued. Everyone acclimated to the new reality – which was mom can’t go, go, go! But there was always sadness.

Then today, I experienced something for the first time. I had to tell my 10 year old I couldn’t be at her end of camp performance. She said, I really want you to be there. She was sad, but then she got over it. QUICKLY. No crying, no pouting, no begging. Even after the program, I asked her how it went and she said, I wish you could have been there but it was great.

Now to give you some background, last year (BC – before cancer) she attended this same camp. Last year’s program was at the same time as our company board meeting and my boss made it clear, he wanted me there. My daughter also made it clear she wanted me at her performance. I was determined to do both. The camp was nearly 45 minutes from my office. I figured I could get there but I’d have to get back and maybe even leave early. I called on one of my best friends for help to meet me out there in case I needed to leave and to bring my daughter home since I’d be back at work. I made the haul out there and back just in time to see her dance and do my part at the board meeting. I made it happen, but it was stressful and a little crazy for sure and what I discovered today – UNNECESSARY.

Because she survived me not being there. She still was excited about her performance. She still smiled and did her best. She was still proud of herself, even if I wasn’t there to see how great she did. She lived through the disappointment.

Before cancer, I honestly think none of us believed we could survive me disappointing them. But in a way, I think it makes them stronger. I think it helps them understand that people who love you are going to disappoint you, sometimes it’s out of their control, but even when it’s not, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I think it helps them be more realistic. They pretty much believe I have a MAGIC WAND and can do anything and everything. Finally they know, I don’t and no matter how badly I want to, sometimes, I can’t.

It’s freeing in a way for me. I was driving myself crazy and beating myself up for the things I couldn’t do, WAY too much. Being FORCED into this situation of disappointing them, was the only way I was going to see how this change in my behavior could be beneficial for all of us.

As I start thinking about what our life looks like once all the treatments and surgeries are done, I know I want to have the ability and flexibility to do more with my girls, to be there for them, and make them a priority, but I also know that we’re all going to be ok even when I can’t.

 

 

 

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