Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #13

I have been single for what feels like a very long time. I’m actually really good at being single. I have a full life with work and wonderful friends. I don’t feel lonely because my oldest daughter is always with me. But I have to admit,

13. Having cancer single sucks.

Before the cancer, I have to admit I was really quite settled with being single. I don’t date much and I’ve stopped trying to figure out why. I’m comfortable with my life and honestly dating really wasn’t much fun. Dating takes me away from my kids and friends who I already know I enjoy spending my time with.

What I realized during this cancer deal, is that it’s really more about having someone who is there for you without you even having to ask or make arrangements for them to be. That someone who has to drop everything for you and is there to share all of the ups and downs of this experience. I read stories of women whose husbands went to every appointment with them. That’s when I get envious. I remember one time when I had asked a friend to drive me to an appointment because I’d be under light anesthesia and wasn’t supposed to drive home. Everything was set but then an emergency came up at work and my friend couldn’t get away. Did he feel terrible? Yes. Was I able to find another ride? Yes. But that’s when it really hit me. With your husband, the only emergency that matters when you have cancer is YOU having cancer!

I know for some people, even though they are married, their spouse didn’t drop everything for them. I believe that would probably suck more than doing it single. But I’ve been married and divorced. When I say I’d rather not have had to face this single, I’m not implying that I want just any random man by my side. I have made jokes that if you get diagnosed with cancer and you are SINGLE with no sisters, get on Match.com immediately, find someone and get married, but I’m kidding. I do realize it needs to be the right someone.

But that’s just it. Finding the right someone may take a little work. As comfortable as I am being single, I don’t put any energy into NOT being single. I purposely don’t make eye contact sometimes with men in public settings. I don’t seek single girlfriends who may want to go out to places where there might actually be single men. I don’t remind people who say they actually have someone they want to introduce me to to DO IT. I was almost glad I had a full year pass during cancer to not have to try to get a date or do anything to change my single status because I haven’t had much success.

I know now, that I actually want to try, need to try. I want to go out on some dates and I’m willing to accept the fact that many of them will go no where. But it’s time for me to realize that it’s just a part of the process. Is it harder at 42 than 22? Yes. But I should consider it an opportunity. An opportunity to find my someone who has to drop everything.

When I was younger, dating had a different purpose. I was looking for – a good husband, good dad, someone to grow with. I still am looking for those things in a person. But now, I want a best friend – someone who can make me laugh, be there when I cry, talk with me for hours or sit in comfortable silence. He will never replace my girlfriends or my sisters and sometimes I’ll still prefer them in certain situations over him. But he will be there, whether I called him, asked him to or not. That’s what I needed. That’s what I want.

I don’t believe in the Disney fairy tale. I don’t think any of us really do, but a girl can dream, right. I do believe that I have a part in this and that it’s time to do my part. So I’m going to try harder not to be single. I’m going to start making eye contact. Asking friends to set me up. Flirt a little. It definitely can’t hurt. It almost sounds like fun. Almost.

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