Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #13

I have been single for what feels like a very long time. I’m actually really good at being single. I have a full life with work and wonderful friends. I don’t feel lonely because my oldest daughter is always with me. But I have to admit,

13. Having cancer single sucks.

Before the cancer, I have to admit I was really quite settled with being single. I don’t date much and I’ve stopped trying to figure out why. I’m comfortable with my life and honestly dating really wasn’t much fun. Dating takes me away from my kids and friends who I already know I enjoy spending my time with.

What I realized during this cancer deal, is that it’s really more about having someone who is there for you without you even having to ask or make arrangements for them to be. That someone who has to drop everything for you and is there to share all of the ups and downs of this experience. I read stories of women whose husbands went to every appointment with them. That’s when I get envious. I remember one time when I had asked a friend to drive me to an appointment because I’d be under light anesthesia and wasn’t supposed to drive home. Everything was set but then an emergency came up at work and my friend couldn’t get away. Did he feel terrible? Yes. Was I able to find another ride? Yes. But that’s when it really hit me. With your husband, the only emergency that matters when you have cancer is YOU having cancer!

I know for some people, even though they are married, their spouse didn’t drop everything for them. I believe that would probably suck more than doing it single. But I’ve been married and divorced. When I say I’d rather not have had to face this single, I’m not implying that I want just any random man by my side. I have made jokes that if you get diagnosed with cancer and you are SINGLE with no sisters, get on Match.com immediately, find someone and get married, but I’m kidding. I do realize it needs to be the right someone.

But that’s just it. Finding the right someone may take a little work. As comfortable as I am being single, I don’t put any energy into NOT being single. I purposely don’t make eye contact sometimes with men in public settings. I don’t seek single girlfriends who may want to go out to places where there might actually be single men. I don’t remind people who say they actually have someone they want to introduce me to to DO IT. I was almost glad I had a full year pass during cancer to not have to try to get a date or do anything to change my single status because I haven’t had much success.

I know now, that I actually want to try, need to try. I want to go out on some dates and I’m willing to accept the fact that many of them will go no where. But it’s time for me to realize that it’s just a part of the process. Is it harder at 42 than 22? Yes. But I should consider it an opportunity. An opportunity to find my someone who has to drop everything.

When I was younger, dating had a different purpose. I was looking for – a good husband, good dad, someone to grow with. I still am looking for those things in a person. But now, I want a best friend – someone who can make me laugh, be there when I cry, talk with me for hours or sit in comfortable silence. He will never replace my girlfriends or my sisters and sometimes I’ll still prefer them in certain situations over him. But he will be there, whether I called him, asked him to or not. That’s what I needed. That’s what I want.

I don’t believe in the Disney fairy tale. I don’t think any of us really do, but a girl can dream, right. I do believe that I have a part in this and that it’s time to do my part. So I’m going to try harder not to be single. I’m going to start making eye contact. Asking friends to set me up. Flirt a little. It definitely can’t hurt. It almost sounds like fun. Almost.

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #12

Last year, at the end of the school year, our crossing guard was very emotional. He’d tell any parent that would listen that he remembered his little girl walking to that same elementary school and how she was graduating from high school in just a couple of weeks. He said he never understood those parents who couldn’t wait until their children would be out of the house. But I have to confess,

12. I was looking forward to being an empty nester.

Now let’s be clear. I have a long way to go until that day gets here! But when he said it, I realized I really was one of those people. The kind he couldn’t understand.

I blame a lot of my feeling that way on being single. There’s a part of me that sometimes thinks it would just be easier on everyone for me to wait, until my mid 50’s when the girls are both off to college, to date. Because of that, I kind of make THAT the next phase of my life and it’s one I look forward to.

That was me. I was making plans. Where I would live, what I would do, the kind of car I would drive – all when the girls were gone.

But during this year I recognized that sometimes looking forward to something makes you miss what you’re actually experiencing. Not only was I diminishing the value of the moments I was sharing with my girls. I was postponing my own happiness to a certain degree. Not only in the dating area, but even in things as simple as the kind of car I drive. I believe in putting my kids needs above mine, but I shouldn’t be completely ignoring my own wants or putting them on hold for a decade to accommodate my kids.

And they’ve never asked me to do that – put my life on hold. Maybe they’re too young to even know how. But, they deserve a mom who is living her best life RIGHT now. I don’t want to teach them to put off their own happiness because of made up obstacles or to be a martyr. I want them to dream big and live big. Putting off my own dreams won’t teach them that.

I think if I’m really honest with myself, I was also acting like they were somewhat of an interruption to my life. Not because I didn’t love them or feel blessed to have them, but because I had SO much to do – primarily work.  But also other things like community service, networking, etc. I used to tell people all the time – If you think you’re too selfish to have kids, you’re right! Kids change everything and they take so much of your focus that even when you always wanted them and love them dearly, it can sometimes seem like they’re getting in the way of other things you’d like to do.

My priorities were mixed up. I was sacrificing time with my kids going to events for work or other things because I felt it was important and I needed to. And yes, sometimes I liked all the running around, but nowadays I miss my kids, even when I’m at work and they’re at school. I WANT to lean into their homework and do flash cards for tests with them. I want to SOAK up every minute I can with them, even when they’re driving me crazy. I feel like being with them now is a gift, not a responsibility. So I’m trying to be more deliberate about what I do when I could be with the girls. Things that rejuvenate me and make me better – like time with my girlfriends or maybe even a date that seems to have some potential, I’ll do it. Dinners where no one will even remember who was there or what was talked about, I’ll pass.

My perspective is so different. Not only because of what we went through but because of the real possibility that I may not have as much time with them as I’d always assumed. And if that is the case, I want to make the most of what I do have with them now. NEVER once have I thought about how upset I’d be to never get that 2nd chance at love or the convertible or the penthouse apartment, cause that’s not what I’d miss.

I’m excited that I have a second chance to really enjoy my kids and lean into the short 18 years they’ll live in my home. I know I’ll still be mom after that (living in a penthouse, driving a convertible!), but there’s nothing like THESE years, when you’re the most important person to them. I’m trying to appreciate hearing MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM – more everyday.

 

 

 

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #11

Cancer is WAY too popular. Everywhere I turn it’s like there’s another story about cancer. Treating it, trials for it, testimonies about it and of course loss from it. I  probably never really noticed it before, but I dare you to pick up any paper today and not find a story about cancer. I guess it bugs me so much because if I’m really honest about how I feel, deep down inside, I have to admit:

11. I’m scared of cancer.

I don’t want to be. I love and trust God, but I’m human and he knows that. I feel great, but then I read a news article about a 44 year old mother of 3 losing her battle with breast cancer. Then I go to her inspirational blog and I read about how she felt when her close cancer friend died 15 months before and she writes about being so afraid that would be her and I now know, it IS her and I can’t help but think – will it be me? I’m scared.

I’m scared because I know the world doesn’t make sense. I know we lose loved ones we wish we had more time with, things happen that seem unthinkable, people experience things they never dreamed of. I know life is unexpected. So, it could be me. I have no more right to live than Jennifer Rae Beck did at 44 or her friend Ruthie, or countless others. I don’t deserve it more. I’m not smarter, prettier, funnier, kinder. I can’t win it by works. Ruthie had a wonderful ministry and even had a license plate frame that said “Can’t Do Cancer Without God”, and I agree, you can’t. But that doesn’t mean that when you do it with him you’re going to live.

So what do you do?

People love to say ‘Live like you’re dying’. That’s stupid. If I lived like I was dying, I’d end up in jail. There are things I would want to do that I shouldn’t unless I was dying, but God willing, that’s going to be a long time from now. So I can’t do that. I still have to plan, think, prepare, teach my children right from wrong, work hard, be responsible. I still have to live like I’m going to be here tomorrow and many more tomorrows after that, so that doesn’t work, no matter how many songs are written about it.

I can’t let it paralyze me. I’m raising 2 girls and God willing they are going to grow up to be women, moms who too will impact other lives – namely their children. Especially as a single mom, I don’t have the luxury of curling up in a ball, thinking the world is coming to an end and that someone else will pick up the pieces around me. I have to continue to engage this thing we call life and I believe that knowing my girls need me, now and in the future, has been my greatest motivation.

So that leaves me with one option – just do it.  Not in the Nike way, but have you seen the Shia LaBeouf inspirational video? It’s totally crazy. But today, it hit me. It’s not about just living. It’s not about just continuing to get the opportunity to live. It’s the opportunity to DO it. To do more. To be more. To challenge myself more. To give more. To love more. To pray more. To serve more. To laugh more. To grow more. It’s the opportunity to live past the dream of being alive. Because if it’s one more day, one more year, ten more years, thirty more years, it’s MORE. And what more can I really ask for than just that?

Each day matters more to me now than it did 8 months ago. Each day since December 3, 2014 is worth more than it was before diagnosis day. Each moment is more special. Each relationship more rewarding. Each lesson more powerful.

Being afraid of cancer doesn’t make me more anything, it makes me less likely to be more of everything I want to be and do. So I’m done with that. No more.

 

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #10

I have always considered myself a pretty grateful person. I have a strong faith so I’m thankful for the many things I know I have that I don’t deserve. I’m grateful for the big – waking up every morning- and the small -front row parking spot at the mall. However in the midst of chemo, I have realized something.

10. I take a lot of things for granted.

Now I’m not talking about the big things. I know I’m blessed to still have my mom and for her to be healthy and strong enough to help take care of me and my 2 daughters during this time. I’m grateful I have 2 sisters who were willing and able to drop everything to be with me when I needed them. I’m grateful my daughters who even as young as they are have been strong and resilient through this. I’m grateful for the relationship with my ex-husband and his willingness to help me and the girls wherever we needed him. And, I’m grateful for incredible friends and a network of people who prayed for me and cared enough to do so much for me and my family.

But especially while undergoing chemotherapy, you feel the weight of things you used to be able to do that now you CANNOT.

For me, one of the biggest things I missed during this time was just my freedom. Freedom to go and do things. I didn’t even drive for at least a week every chemo round. I wasn’t allowed to go to public places. I missed places that aren’t even fun – like the grocery store. My last rounds were at the end of the school year, so I even missed going to the end of the year assembly and some of the girls performances. At one point I got ready to take them bowling as an end of school celebration and then realized, I couldn’t be in a bowling alley! I wasn’t able to go or do what I wanted.

I missed being able to workout. There have been so many days in my life when I was too lazy to get up and go running. But now I really can’t – physically and I thought about all those times I didn’t, when I could have. I thought about how I should have been more grateful for a body that has carried me many miles including a marathon, 3-day 60 mile breast cancer walk (long before I knew this was going to happen) and many half marathons along the way.  Now I can barely raise my arms above my head. I totally took my health for granted. It’s strange because as we get older, we still feel like and act like things aren’t going to happen to us. When you lose your health in a situation like this, it’s so ABRUPT. So, it’s easy to see – you’ve really taken it for granted.

I missed hanging out with my friends. They were all around me but it wasn’t the same. I missed being out with them, sitting at a bar  and cracking up. Being with people I enjoy helps me be a BETTER me.

I missed traveling. Not being able to get on an airplane meant I spent more time at home over an 8 month period than I probably ever have. I enjoy going places and experiencing other environments, meeting strangers and being in new places. Before, I used to fuss about having to travel for work. But not going to conferences I usually went to in the summer or media trips really bummed me out.

Although a luxury, I missed getting manicures, pedicures, my hair done (won’t be doing that for a while now :). There was no pampering during chemo – the risk of infection was too great. Not even a massage.

I just didn’t realize how good I had it. Things I did everyday or whenever I wanted were STRIPPED away. And now I realize I didn’t really appreciate them before they were gone. I know my life wasn’t perfect before, but it was pretty awesome. I realize that NOW more than ever.

My life could be so different and I know we all have varying degrees of ‘the good life’. But I never stopped to think about NOT having these things in my life, because I’ve had them for so long. But I may not have them forever and I know others don’t ever have them. So I’m trying to take time to appreciate things more now, the big and the small.

There are so many things that in the midst of my complaints or worries, I now see as a blessing. I know surviving cancer should make you grateful for having life. But it also makes you realize what really makes up your life and how precious those things are.  I hope I don’t lose that awareness cause being more grateful truly makes life more enjoyable. And that’s what I’m ALL about these days!

 

 

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #9

Maybe my mom was right. As I get older the more I start having this thought and I had it today over something I really wasn’t willing to agree with. My mom always says we (me and my sisters – in my mom’s mind we are like one being) don’t tell our kids ‘NO’ enough. Now in general, I don’t agree with her. My kids ask for 101 things every day, so I have to say no to them often. However, I had an experience with my 10 year old today that made me come to this thought.

9. I work too hard to ensure my kids aren’t disappointed.

I know that sounds CRAZY. I have spent the past 10 years trying to ensure my 2 daughters didn’t experience disappointment. Definitely not from me or frankly anyone else who they believe loves them. I’ve been afraid that being disappointed would make them feel a deep sadness, making them feel unsure or insecure. It also just felt like failure on my part. Disappointing the girls by not being able to be some where or doing something for them, within reason, seemed like one of those things that separated the good parents from the bad.

Then, the cancer thing happened. Being diagnosed in December meant the beginning part of 2015 was going to be challenging. It also meant that we had 1/2 a school year left to tackle.  And all of a sudden, there were disappointments, several of them. Trying to be mom, keep up at work, and endure the chemo and radiation treatments resulted in disappointments. I couldn’t do it all. There were doctors appointments and treatments I couldn’t miss. Because of my immune system, there were places I couldn’t go. And there were days, I just didn’t feel up to doing anything.  I missed a parent-teacher conference, science fair, field day, the end of school performance, class parties, open house, church programs and solos.

I wasn’t there and I knew that was disappointing for the girls. Especially because, I’m ALWAYS there. I jump through all kinds of hoops to be there for my kids. I know most parents do, but honestly as a single working mom this is when I feel the stress of that title. I have competing priorities between work and home. I can’t be in 2 places at once and sometimes I don’t have a choice but if there’s a way, I will make it happen. And up until now, I pretty much always have.

When it happened the first time, there was crying, and begging me to go. I was really sad because I knew they were disappointed. It got better as the months continued. Everyone acclimated to the new reality – which was mom can’t go, go, go! But there was always sadness.

Then today, I experienced something for the first time. I had to tell my 10 year old I couldn’t be at her end of camp performance. She said, I really want you to be there. She was sad, but then she got over it. QUICKLY. No crying, no pouting, no begging. Even after the program, I asked her how it went and she said, I wish you could have been there but it was great.

Now to give you some background, last year (BC – before cancer) she attended this same camp. Last year’s program was at the same time as our company board meeting and my boss made it clear, he wanted me there. My daughter also made it clear she wanted me at her performance. I was determined to do both. The camp was nearly 45 minutes from my office. I figured I could get there but I’d have to get back and maybe even leave early. I called on one of my best friends for help to meet me out there in case I needed to leave and to bring my daughter home since I’d be back at work. I made the haul out there and back just in time to see her dance and do my part at the board meeting. I made it happen, but it was stressful and a little crazy for sure and what I discovered today – UNNECESSARY.

Because she survived me not being there. She still was excited about her performance. She still smiled and did her best. She was still proud of herself, even if I wasn’t there to see how great she did. She lived through the disappointment.

Before cancer, I honestly think none of us believed we could survive me disappointing them. But in a way, I think it makes them stronger. I think it helps them understand that people who love you are going to disappoint you, sometimes it’s out of their control, but even when it’s not, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I think it helps them be more realistic. They pretty much believe I have a MAGIC WAND and can do anything and everything. Finally they know, I don’t and no matter how badly I want to, sometimes, I can’t.

It’s freeing in a way for me. I was driving myself crazy and beating myself up for the things I couldn’t do, WAY too much. Being FORCED into this situation of disappointing them, was the only way I was going to see how this change in my behavior could be beneficial for all of us.

As I start thinking about what our life looks like once all the treatments and surgeries are done, I know I want to have the ability and flexibility to do more with my girls, to be there for them, and make them a priority, but I also know that we’re all going to be ok even when I can’t.

 

 

 

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #8

This confession could get me in trouble. And, I don’t know if this is something that is going to eventually wear off or if it is here to stay. But it’s real.

8. I’m tired of acting like I care about things I don’t really care about.

I know that might sound harsh, but the more I’m reengaged in the real world, my old world, the more I feel like this. See during chemo, I wasn’t out much. I had to protect my immune system, so even though I worked throughout, I wasn’t in nearly as many meetings or discussions with people. I was hardly allowed in public, so I wasn’t really engaged in a lot of random conversations. But now that I’m past the immune risk phase, I’m venturing out more and my schedule at work is beginning to look like it used to – back to back meetings, all day! And with all that interaction comes this reality check.

I remember having this feeling once before – like the things that used to seem important to me felt less important. That was when my dad died of lung cancer. My dad died on December 10, 1999, right before Y2K. That morning, I was on my way to Chicago from Texas with my sister to see him because we knew he was really sick, but he passed away before we got there. Like I said, it was December, so I stayed quite a while, spent the holidays there and didn’t come home until the new year. When I got back and returned to work, I remember thinking how silly and trivial things seemed to me. I’d sit in meetings and internally shake my head as others passionately debated the words to use in a communication or the event location or paper for an invite. Anything. Everything. It all seemed less important. It felt that way because at that point, I realized how precious life was and that it wasn’t promised. I understood that people and relationships, love and commitment were important. But this stuff? Not so much. It was hard. I remember wondering then if it would pass….and it did.

The feeling I have now is similar – but different. Now, it’s not just the loss of someone else that is making me feel this. In some strange way, I think it’s somewhat of a loss of myself. When you’re diagnosed with cancer, you lose something. Something within you. For some people, this is bad – they may lose hope, dreams, excitement, trust. But for me, I lost my desire to fake it. I want everything to be real. I want everything to be alive. I know some things you just have to do, but I’ve lost my flair for the perfunctory. Webster’s definition of perfunctory – used to describe something that is done without energy or enthusiasm because of habit or because it is expected.

I don’t want to do things out of habit. I want to do things out of love, excitement, passion, compassion, caring. I don’t want to do things because it’s expected. I want to do the unexpected. Surprise someone with a kind word, or smile. From the simple to the grand, I guess I want to live more vividly. And something about acting like I care about things that I don’t doesn’t feel right, good or vivid.

It feels perfunctory – from the Latin perfungi – to get through with. And that’s exactly what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to just get through with life or any part of it. I don’t want to feel that about work, about things I do with the girls, about time I spend with friends. That to me is not living. Not anymore.

Every moment actually does feel more important to me now. So even if it’s just a meeting or small talk or whatever, it feels like a moment I’ve been given back. A moment I should make the most of. I want to give 100% to each moment. So, I no longer accept the idea that you just have to do somethings. I no longer agree to just do things because I’m supposed to or it’s expected of me. I spent the first 42 years of my life doing that and I was really good at it. It’s now time to see if I’m good at this instead. This truly living life to its fullest and not wasting a single moment way.

Because even though I got over this feeling 15 years ago, I was right back then. Life is precious, unpredictable and not promised and that is NOT lost on me.

 

 

 

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #7

There’s this strange pressure you feel after the cancer diagnosis to figure yourself and your life out. I’m sure it’s probably universal, especially if you have a pretty good prognosis from the beginning. You immediately start thinking about life after cancer. It’s part of what I think pulls you through.

So as you’re trying to figure out what you’ll do next and differently, you’re forced to look back on what you’ve done. As I started doing that, I discovered something about how I’ve approached life that I hadn’t expected. I realized that a lot of my life – not just cancer – had just happened to me. I hadn’t necessarily made things happen. So as I think about the future, it’s becoming clear to me that:

7. I’m so much more in control of my life story than I realized.

This may sound really crazy in the midst of something I obviously had no control over. But as I sat in a meeting today, listening to some people’s stories of themselves, I realized I can do so many things and frankly, I’ve prevented myself from doing them. That’s not necessarily bad. I’ve had 3 jobs over the past 20 years. My first lasted 13 years and if the company hadn’t been bought, I’d probably still be there. I like stability, and that has served me well. But there are other things I’d like to do and probably could. Other chapters of my story.

So I had to start thinking about why I don’t or why I didn’t.

The bottom line is FEAR – in many different forms, or for many different reasons, but when it comes down to it, I’m afraid.

Afraid of failure.

Afraid of disappointing others.

Afraid of making a fool of myself.

Afraid of being unsure.

Afraid of being unstable.

Afraid I won’t be able to provide for the girls.

Afraid I’m not as smart, good, or special as I think I am.

But maybe it’s not just fear. Maybe it’s also that I’m comfortable.

Comfortable knowing I’m pretty much guaranteed continued success on this path.

Comfortable knowing that paycheck is coming on the first and the fifteenth.

Comfortable not having to get to know new people.

Comfortable not having to learn new tricks.

Comfortable feeling smart and being experienced.

Truthfully, most of the changes I’ve made in my life have been somewhat forced. So I didn’t have time or the choice to be afraid and in most cases, things had actually gotten UNcomfortable. I didn’t make them because I wanted to. I’ve changed jobs because I had to. I’ve moved because I had to.

I want to make a CHOICE to do something different. I want to CHOOSE a new venture or company, even though I’m secure in my current one. Instead of reacting to what life has handed me, I want to pick my cards and make my hand. I’ve been blessed because the hand I’ve been dealt has been a good one. But imagine how much better it could be if I was driving it – with a little bit of faith. And yes, it could go bad too – but being able to accept more RISK in my life is important. Maybe I’m ready, because the last six months have been a lot about the RISK of recurrence and reducing it, but also accepting, there’s going to be some level of RISK! What I hope is to increase my ability to accept it in my life choices too.

I believe there’s a freedom pass for me, right now, in the midst of this, and it won’t last forever. I believe everyone can accept my need to make different choices for myself. I believe nothing seems that scary right now as I begin to put this behind me. I believe I deserve to live a full, unconstrained life. I believe it’s time to be uncomfortable and ignore my fears. I believe it’s time to be more trusting and have greater faith.

I believe it’s my turn to start making choices and writing my own story. Today. It’s time.

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #6

I have to admit, I’m really embarrassed to confess this one. But it’s really important because it’s one of those things that although the cancer diagnosis has brought it to my attention….I’m going to have to work REALLY hard to remind myself of the lesson, once this is all behind me.

6. I’ve always been focused on my looks – not my health.

In my adult life, I have been overly concerned about my weight. I got it honest. My mom’s been on a diet ever since I met her. So the minute I started putting on some extra pounds, sitting around in corporate America, I jumped into the extensive list of weight loss remedies. And over the years, I’ve probably done them all. I tried to put together a list of the diets I’ve been on and I’m just hoping I didn’t miss anything. Here we go:

Quick Weight Loss

Weight Watchers

The Lemonade Diet (back when Beyoncé was in high school)

3-Day Beets Diet

HCG

Nutri-system

SlimFast

The Cabbage Soup Diet

The 3-Day Diet

Apple Cider Vinegar Diet (now that’s desperate)

Atkins

Detoxing

Juicing

The Daniel Fast

And don’t get me started on the exercise list:

Beachbody

P-90X

Insanity

T-25

Tae Bo

A Marathon (yes 1)

Spin Classes

A personal trainer

Private Workout Circuit training (like Curves but not)

24 Hour Fitness Gym Membership

Yoga

Many of these are not inherently bad for you. Some of these are really great for you and wonderful for your health. But I’m admitting I never did any of them FOR my health. I did all of them for my dress size. So many times, I was trying to lose weight for the next girls trip or a reunion or a big event. Never did I stop and say – your weight is unhealthy and could lead to significant health issues. Nor did I think about the damage yo-yo dieting and my fluctuating weight could do. I didn’t think about how eating healthier could make me healthier. I only cared if it would make me skinny.

All of this from a woman who most people would never have considered overweight. I have thought, now, that some of that ridiculous dieting could have had some influence on my current situation. Not that any one of them caused the cancer, but any one of them could have impacted my body environment that was already prone to cancer. I also realize that changing my eating habits for life versus until I was the right size definitely could have had a positive impact on my situation and ultimately my health.

And even though I now recognize how ridiculous it was that I was so focused on wanting that magic pill to make me the size I wanted to be. I found myself jealous when I saw a girlfriend the other day who looks great and when I asked her what had she been doing her response was starving herself.

I was jealous, because what so many people don’t know is that most women on breast cancer treatments gain weight. The steroids and other drugs cause you to retain water, reduce your metabolism and increase your appetite. On top of that, you’re fatigued and probably don’t feel like working out and if your stomach is queasy, all you really want to eat is a loaf of bread…every day! So the treatment to save my life has put on some significant pounds.

I shouldn’t care about that, but this confession is real. I’ve been more concerned about my looks than my health and I’m still struggling with that now. I know I need to change the way I eat now – not to be thin but to promote an environment where cancer cannot thrive and return. Things like starving myself and eating beets for 3 days straight might help me lose weight but they won’t help me live longer.

I have to completely change my mindset about what food means to me. For me, this is life or death. This is no longer a choice or something I can wait around and take care of when that big trip is just 6 weeks away. I have to do it now and I have to do it forever. That sounds scary and hard, but so did chemotherapy and I did that. So did radiation and I’m doing that. I thank God neither one of them were forever, and what I know is that I never want to do them again.

So I’ll change my mind about food, health, exercise, stress. Because I can. Because I’m still here. But I’m not going to act like it won’t be hard. So I’ve confessed it now. Keep me honest.

 

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #5

I don’t know if I’m alone in this or not, but it’s not really nice. So I’m just going to go ahead and say it, I’ve always thought my daughter had a sort of annoying personality. She’s really excitable and over the top about everything. She has to be the center of attention. Loud. Goofy. Unfocused. And I’m not going to lie – I can get easily annoyed with that personality. And rightfully so, if she was 25, 30, 35. But she’s 10! What was wrong with me? The truth is, I think it was more about me.

5. I’m projecting my own insecurities onto my daughter.

I’ve been using this adult gauge to judge and measure my daughter. She’s SUPPOSED to be all those things – loud, easily excited, goofy. It may not even really be her personality. Some of it may just be attributed to BEING A KID! She’s still searching for who she is and what she will be like. Of course she is. So am I! But I’ve been acting like she should have already arrived. How unfair. And it took me 10 years and cancer to realize it.

I now recognize that I actually get uncomfortable sometimes thinking about how she appears to others. Does she seem well parented, well disciplined, smart, polite, dressed well, clean? That’s all about me. I’m really thinking about what others think about me as a person and a parent, not her as a child.

I think about what she wears and how it looks – not if she’s comfortable and how it makes her feel about herself.

I worry about if other kids like her or not or if she’s difficult to be friends with. And some of that could be valid, but it’s still not about how she feels. It’s about how I feel cause she’s never once come home saying she doesn’t have any friends and nobody likes her.

My daughter is not insecure and somehow hasn’t been programmed to even care that much about what people think about her, which is a gift. So why am I practically teaching her to burden herself with these thoughts and concerns?

Today as I watched her on the volleyball court, I saw an excited, sort of uncoordinated, overly dramatic, loud 10 year old flailing around the court. For the first time, I didn’t wish she’d act differently. For the first time, when she looked back at me, instead of giving her the look to settle down and chill out, I smiled at her and encouraged her excitement.

Despite me, my daughter wants to enjoy her childhood, which she deserves. She wants to not be perfect and worried about how people perceive her. She wants to be loud and snort occasionally. I’m not sure when I stopped celebrating who she was as an individual or enjoying her childhood with her, but I’m happy to say I started again today.

Confessions of a Single Mom with Cancer Entry #4

I spend a lot of time telling my kids what to do. It’s second nature. I don’t even notice it. I’m sure it’s what we all do but the more I think about it the more I started worrying that it’s all I do. The truth is:

#4. I’m missing the bigger picture.

Let’s take a look at all the things I nag (discipline, correct, redirect) my kids about during the day.

What they eat

What they don’t eat

How they eat (smacking, too much food, too fast)

Watching too much tv

Not reading

Doing their homework

Cleaning their rooms

Using their manners

Being nice to each other

Sharing

Being respectful to me

Brushing their teeth

Getting to bed on time

Being careful

Covering their mouths when they cough

Washing their hands

Not forgetting their lunch

Being on time

That’s a pretty good list from today! I really am not a nag. That’s just regular parenting, right? We lead them. Teach them. Show them the way. But, I wonder if on their side, it just feels like they can’t do anything right.

Well, I’m sitting here today, the last day of school in the strangest year the girls and I ever could have imagined. Actually, we couldn’t have imagined it. My 10 year old says it’s been ‘this’ way since Thanksgiving. And she’s right. Our world was turned completely upside down when we returned from Houston after Thanksgiving and I got the call – it was cancer. And ‘this’ way is the cancer way, which has been a crazy roller coaster ride. One that as a kid was probably really hard to be on, cause as a mom in a totally new situation, sometimes I didn’t know when or how much information to give them. I didn’t know what they could handle or understand. I didn’t know what they needed to know or deserved to know. How would they trust and feel secure in me when I didn’t have all the answers? The one who guides, directs, tells them what to do constantly.

And I made some mistakes along the way. I gave them premature information about my treatment plan and it then changed drastically. I would come home from doctors appointments and say it went fine, even though every appointment seemed to bring to light a new development and often new concerns. Finally one day, my daughter said, ‘You said your appointment went fine when the doctor told you it was cancer’. She was right.

So I had to learn a new way to guide them. I had to be transparent in ways that seemed beyond their years. I had to be honest with them about what I did know and what I didn’t know. I had to be vulnerable with them. All while still being mom and running down my nag list – make your bed, clean your room, do your homework, be nice to your sister – many times shouted from where I laid in my bed- bald.

And guess what? They survived this school year. This crazy, upside down, topsy-turvy, unpredictable school year. Grades were fine. Behavioral stuff – fine. 2nd and 5th grade- here we come!

But truthfully, they did so much more than survive. They changed the list. The things they do everyday- changed. And in my new situation instead of directing, I watched them:

Have faith

Trust

Believe

Stay positive

Encourage me

Support each other

Love harder

Show appreciation

Develop compassion

Share their story

Grow stronger

Express their feelings

I realize now that so many of our days had been strung together by orders barked by me from the list of things I felt like they needed to do to be, I don’t know – good? And they are important. Many are things that have to get done. But they aren’t the most important. My kids were showing me so much more about who they were as people and I was missing it. Blinded by the nag list. But I’m not anymore.